Marriage.
From the perspective of those who have not yet been joined together in holy matrimony, it appears to be a romantic stage of life with no end of joy and happiness shared together with one’s best friend. From the viewpoint of those “stuck” in the very thick of it–(perhaps 2 or 3, or even 20 plus years into their marriage)–it is a constant struggle of maintaining one’s rights against their spouse’s.
We all experience times like these in our marriages. It’s life. We’re human. But surely there must be a better way! Some secret formula or scientifically proven sentence that will immediately put everything and everyone back into their proper, peaceful state of mind.
Well, I’m sorry to break it to you, but there is no such thing as a “quick fix” in marriage. It requires a lot of effort and often turning the other cheek or swallowing an extra-large piece of dry, crusty, without-much-sugar-to-wash-it-down, humble pie. But there is hope!
It comes in the form of a Book. Not just any book, mind you. This collection of words encompasses everything you need to know to live a happy life with your spouse.
Now, before we jump into sharing some of the highlights of this Book, read that last paragraph again. Notice I didn’t say, “This Book contains everything you and your spouse need to know to live happily ever after.” That’s not how it works–and before you leave this article, I’ll just go ahead and break the news to you that NO book, or article, or newspaper, or handbook on marriage can ever do that for you.
So, what are you going to do then? How can you change your marriage? Well, the first step to understanding how to fix your marriage is that you can’t.
Whoa, whoa! Hold the phone! If you can’t tell me how to fix my marriage, than what am I wasting my time reading this for? Well…you know Sue and Jason across the street? The ones that just got a divorce and are going through the process of splitting up their 3 kids evenly between them, (which doesn’t work very well when you have an odd number of kids). The reason they are going through this divorce is because they attempted to do what you are trying to do right now: fix their own marriage by themselves. You can see how well it worked out for them and so many other couples in our world today.
We humans are faulty! We can’t pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, no matter how much the media, or our favorite sports heroes, or amazing actors, or even our closest friends tell us we can!
So, then what? Pay close attention now: We have to rely on someone better than ourselves, better than our fellow fallen human beings, to fix our marriage.
Like who? Like God.
We all know that things are more clearly seen and understood in hindsight, right? (Remember that math problem that you thought was mentally impossible to solve in the 4th grade that you later plowed right through without a second thought in the 8th grade? That’s what I’m talking about.)
Well, it’s almost as if God has a “hindsight view” of our lives. The Bible–(that great Book I was describing to you earlier)–says He is a God, “…who is and who was and who is to come…”
He knew you would be going through this struggle with your spouse before you even married. And the best part is, He knows how to fix your problems too–all of them.
Read some of these practical commands that God gives us in the Bible:
- “…walk…with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love…”
- “…walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us…”
- “But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints; neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.”
- “Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret.”
- “Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is. And do not be drunk with wine, in which is dissipation; but be filled with the Spirit, submitting to one another in the fear of God.”
- “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
- “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her…”
- “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
You may have noticed a few words that were repeated several times in there; words such as walk, love, submit, respect, and the phrase, “just as Christ.”
Walk refers to the way we live our lives everyday. Love is a key theme throughout every verse, suggesting its extreme importance and necessity to a happy life and successful marriage. Submit is one word that we women often run away from since it seems to be so often leveraged against us, but the only real way that I have found to understand it is in the phrase that frequently follows after one of these commands: “just as Christ” has done before us.
We can struggle everyday to try to achieve a better marriage, but the truth of the matter is that we cannot do it successfully without a higher power to help us along the way; to remind us to love when we would rather snap back, to submit to a decision we may not fully agree with out of respect for our husbands, to walk (or live) each day, each hour, and each minute in a way that pleases God, just as Jesus Christ did as an example to us, and even more so, because He did it perfectly.
“Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus…being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”
Make sure you don’t miss the boat here: Jesus loved in spite of being hated, ridiculed, mocked, beaten, and eventually killed. That is a love in spite of circumstances, and it is not an easy love to show.
When you get up tomorrow to make breakfast and your spouse walks in the kitchen, you will probably say, “Good-morning, dear!” and your spouse will reply with a low grunt in the back of their throat. You feel the words, “What kind of a greeting is that!” rising in your mouth, but you swallow it instead, out of love.
Later, you may or may not find out that they had just received a discouraging text about a family member’s health, or maybe they were still in the process of brushing their teeth like I frequently am. Regardless, it is that split second between your thoughts forming in your head and your words coming out of your mouth that make the biggest difference, because actions always follow words, and attitude is about as contagious to those around us as an air-born disease was in the Dark Ages.
Now, I could go on for much longer about the countless times I have seen my parents make mistakes in their marriage, and God–in spite of them–worked it out to His glory; however, I think I’ll save that for another time.
The point is, it all begins with Love…Christ’s love, and then our own.
May God bless your efforts,
The Anonymous Authoress